Yes, I’m still alive in a very literal sense.
Full disclosure: I haven’t been using my brain energy very constructively. Besides spending a disturbing amount of time writing (and editing) my feedback for a Marvel Cinematic Universe podcast, I’ve done almost nothing since November. While originally thinking it was just laziness, I’m now pretty sure it was depression. It turns out that talking about hitting your early 40’s and actually hitting them are two different things entirely. As a result, trying to find meaning in what I do in general has recently left me a bit crippled.
Can you turn things around if you’re 41 and don’t feel totally satisfied? Maybe that’s not even the right question to ask in the end. Perhaps the whole point is to redefine success for yourself. It’s not like I’m suddenly going to become obscenely wealthy or anything: Maybe I need to figure out what makes me feel personally fulfilled and aim for that instead.
It probably doesn’t help that I still feel isolated and disconnected from our friends three years since Covid-19 too. I understand that everyone has busy lives, but going from hanging out together several times a month to barely at all has been really hard for me. I just feel kind of lonely and it’s something I need to figure out. (At least Ben loves me and is cute AF though.)
I’ve been working on the website this week as part of my effort to push myself. An update is coming to the Fireteddy National Library (opens in a new tab) and I’m hoping to have previously unreleased lyrics from the Synesthesia writing sessions up some time next week.
Work on the next group of lyrics also picks up every so often. It’s… slow going. I’m hoping to have 10 things finished for it, but there’s only five or six that are fleshed out and worth focusing on right now. It’s the four to five remaining pieces that are proving to be difficult. We’ll “see” how it ends up in due time I guess. It still doesn’t have an overall title yet but I’ve got some ideas.
Anyway, as a reward for reading this far (and an apology for being so quiet,) here are some of the lyrics that are more fleshed out:
Dreaming Of Foxes
Something blocks the path ahead
I don’t know what it is
My vision’s getting so obscured
As daylight starts to dim
I’ve done my best to keep awake
But nothing here makes sense
Now pretty soon I’ll drift to sleep
Again, again, again
I’m dreaming of foxes
Been searching for some evidence
Don’t know where I’m going
There’s nothing left to see
I’m dreaming of foxes
While slipping out of consciousness
Not sure if I’ll make it
It has to be a dream
It has to be…
Every time I turn around
Unsure of what comes next
A distant figure lies in wait
Residing in my head
I try my best to stay awake, try my best to stay awake
Try my best to stay awake again, again, again
I’m dreaming of foxes
Been searching for some evidence
Don’t know where I’m going
There’s nothing left to see
I’m dreaming of foxes
While slipping out of consciousness
Not sure if I’ll make it
It has to be a dream
Kept so calm with circles drawn
I’ll come around but not for long
Pretty soon I’m marked defective again
Under shrouds our memories drown
As time goes by, these losses mount
Far away from any family or friends
I’m dreaming of foxes
Been searching for some evidence
Don’t know where I’m going
There’s nothing left to see
I’m dreaming of foxes
While slipping out of consciousness
Not sure if I’ll make it
It has to be a dream
It has to be a dream, it has to be a dream
It has to be a dream, it has to be a dream
It has to be a dream, it has to be a dream
It has to be a dream, now you’re not here with me