Hard Fought Defeat
Previous: Bloodhounds (2014) > Jump To Current Lyrics > For Those Left Behind (2016)
While Bloodhounds took four years to write, I definitely didn’t have the same problem with Hard Fought Defeat.
Although I wish the circumstances had been different, there was no shortage of ideas for these lyrics. As I was putting the finishing touches on the last grouping, my dad passed away. This impacted the last two things I wrote for Bloodhounds and created an obvious focus for what you’ll find below.
Trying to create different concepts for groupings in the past, this one is the most cohesive by default. Revolving around the grieving process, it runs through several emotions I felt at the time. Unfortunately, other friends of mine were dealing with similar situations and it all got channeled into this project too.
Despite knowing what I wanted to do, a fair amount changed from conception to what appears here. For one, the original title was From Reactions To Reflections. The concept would’ve stretched out over two groupings with this one featuring pieces that were more reactive to the situation. The follow-up would be called From Reflections To Reactions and contain more meditative pieces as a counterpoint. It wasn’t until Take Care was written that this idea got dropped. Coming up with the term hard fought defeat (a play on hard fought victory) changed my perspective on the material entirely.
From there, it was a matter of moulding things together and selecting what fit best. Two pieces were still cut from this version (there were originally 14 and it was too long,) but it drastically improved the overall flow. A lot of other leftover lyrics were supposed to be on the follow-up as well, but even that plan changed along the way. (find out all about it right here.)
This is probably the closest I’ve come to seeing something through from conception to final product though. I usually end up scrapping my initial idea while going through the writing process, so it was a huge success for me. As such, this might also be the proudest I’ve been over any set of lyrics. In regards to individual favourites, those include Getting Ready, From 4 To 8, Imperfections and Take Care. Although I know that’s not a lot considering the praise I’ve heaped on this group of lyrics, they’re honestly four of the best things I’ve ever written in my mind. Because of that, the rest don’t meet the same level despite still being great for what they are.
For those interested, check out the original version of these lyrics in the Fireteddy National Library. You can also find some stuff that didn’t make the cut here.
Lyrics Content
01. Getting Ready
03. From 4 To 8
04. When I’m Gone (Silent Sound)
05. Last Mistakes
06. Imperfections
07. I Fall Down
08. Backwards First
10. Coming Around
11. Days Of Sleep
12. Take Care
Getting Ready
Sure as the plan for this life
We don’t always understand, but I know we’ll survive
Yeah we’ll find a place to land pretty soon, you and I
While we’re searching for a sign, always searching for a sign
Watch every tear overflow
We don’t want to live in fear, everything that we know
Will it always disappear? burning out with the smoke
If we stop to let it go, never stop to let this go
Pointing to the sky, from the sky to the sea
Always getting ready for the pillar that I’ll be
Steady as the light piercing through the shadows we keep
Eyes open wide in the dark
We don’t always realize, though it’s all in the stars
As they blow out in your eyes to attain one more spark
Now we’re showing off our scars, always showing off our scars
No one knew what we had to fight for
When no one felt a thing
Callused skin, I’m taking on this weight
Pointing to the sky, from the sky to the sea
Always getting ready for the pillar that I’ll be
Steady as the light piercing through the shadows we keep
With every spirit rising, you’re turning and capsizing now
Swimming bitter oceans and making a commotion
Building up some strength so you don’t have to drown
Sure as the plan for this life
We don’t always understand, but I know we’ll survive
Yeah we’ll find a place to land pretty soon, you and I
Now we’re running out of time, always running out of time
Pointing to the sky, from the sky to the sea
Always getting ready for the pillar that I’ll be
Steady as the light piercing through the shadows we keep
Steady as the light piercing through the shadows we keep
Steady as the light piercing through the shadows we keep
August Sun (Toronto)
I’ve been waiting, waiting for the sky to change
Heading out of town, now this all still feels so strange
It hasn’t been a month, been a month since you fell behind
Leaving on a train, but I can’t get you off my mind
Somewhere in this city I will come to terms
Maybe get a little distance as I try to learn
Learn another lesson from this life made so unkind
I’ve been running, running from what I can’t face
Why bother staying when I feel so out of place?
It hasn’t been a week, been a week since I left home
Searching for myself in a future that’s still unknown
Somewhere in this city we can be renewed
Maybe find a little peace before the past intrudes
Intruding on this life as my heart turns into stone
Everybody leaves, now they’re moving on fast enough
While the people who don’t care end up staying there far too long
Tell me will it crack, will it crack when I come undone?
Returning just to find that I can’t fool anyone
Somewhere in this city I will make amends
Maybe stay a while, well it all depends
Depending on this life when it sets like the August sun
Depending on this life when it sets like the August sun
From 4 To 8
The clock hand passes midnight
But her eyes are open wide
With these private thoughts that linger on
Inside her tired mind
Outstretched beyond this absence
Raising arms as it sinks in
Is such fondness only camouflaged?
Until the heartbreak finally ends
From 4 to 8 she sits up straight
She contemplates if he’s awake
But still she won’t disturb his room
It’s far too soon, it’s far too soon
She’s found herself a tablet
So addictive in the dark
While this autumn breeze still whispers names
Past burning leaves and sparks
Now daylight runs much shorter
As night drags on and on
With equations made in restlessness
Its chemistry gone wrong
From 4 to 8 she sits up straight
She contemplates if he’s awake
But still she won’t clean out his room
It’s far too soon, it’s far too soon
While pretty soon she’ll move along
As shadows creep across the hall
She feels him haunting every space
From 4 to 8, from 4 to 8
Where does she get the strength?
Enough to carry on
She thinks of someone else
She doesn’t feel that strong
It won’t take long to find herself, it won’t take long to come back out
From where she’s been as seasons start to change
From 4 to 8 she sits up straight
She contemplates if he’s awake
But still she won’t clean out his room
It’s far too soon, it’s far too soon
While pretty soon she’ll move along
As memories start to flood the halls
She feels his spirit’s warm embrace
From 4 to 8, from 4 to 8 now
From 4 to 8, from 4 to 8 now
When I’m Gone (Silent Sound)
No need for physical violence
I’ll just scream until my lungs fall out
Transplant the heart of a lion
Before returning back underground
Now what’s the sense in denying?
With everything that I’ll never see
It really isn’t surprising
We’ll take rebellion as our new release
But will you miss me when I’m gone?
Will you miss me when I’m gone
You’ve been waiting around for this silent sound
But will you miss me when I’m gone?
From father to son
It can’t be undone
This anger I feel
It’s anger I’ve won
Now taken away
To rest where you lay
With memories of pain
A heart full of rage
From fire to ash
For something that lasts
It’s falling apart
Then going down fast
Now drilled in my head
These words that you said
In lessons I’ve learned
With lines we get fed
From cradles to graves
It finds us too late
But when my time comes
Will I be afraid?
With all the blank stares
I’m slightly impaired
While anger can blind
I’m finally aware
From mother to son
Our grieving’s begun
This fear in my heart
What have I become?
Where’ did I go wrong?
They’re playing our song
It’s all out of tune
But let’s sing along
I’m singing along
I’m singing it wrong
It isn’t my song
I’ve tried being strong
Where did I go wrong?
Where do I belong?
Now everything’s gone
Everything’s gone
Last Mistakes
Looking for a little escape
You had to flush this life down the drain
Now floating off in outer space
I guess it isn’t really the same
Pushing through when nothing makes sense
Never living in the present tense
Eventually to hedge all your bets
Examples of the things we forget
Always imploding, the light that escapes
We hold onto nothing so nothing can change
Infinite closure, our lives rearranged
Birds on a wire, inspired and profane
We’re living out, we’re living out our last mistakes
We prayed for some different results
I can’t say that this wasn’t your fault
Brought back here to hold what you claim
With consequence gone unexplained
I’ve wondered where everything ends
It’s all over before it begins
So how can we bury the past?
When the future we court doesn’t last
Always imploding, the light that escapes
We hold onto nothing so nothing can change
Infinite closure, our lives rearranged
Birds on a wire, inspired and profane
We’re living out, we’re living out our last mistakes
You can leave but you’ll never escape
You can leave but you’ll never escape
You can leave but you’ll never escape
From living out, living out your last mistakes
Imperfections
You can’t see the north star burning at night
Clouded over, rain falling down from the sky
Trying to find some sheltered made for this life
Grappling with the pain you’ve been feeling inside
Well you don’t have to cry
But you don’t have to fake a smile all the time
No you don’t have to cry
Still I hope one day that you realize
With imperfections beautiful
These tears don’t make you weak
Why waste your time on turning heads?
When you never have to leave
Make this life a place to stand
And you won’t struggle to your feet
With imperfections beautiful
It’s the hardest thing to see
Now you want a way to make us believe
Catching every breath that allows you to speak
Redirect your whispers into a scream
Why water these ambitions down to a dream?
Well no one wants to die
But living isn’t simply being alive
Still no one wants to die
So I hope one day that you realize
With imperfections beautiful
These tears don’t make you weak
Why waste your time on turning heads?
When you never have to leave
Make this life a place to stand
And you won’t struggle to your feet
With imperfections beautiful
It’s the hardest thing to see
Staring from the outside, from the outside looking in
I can’t claim to comprehend it, but I’m sure I know one thing
If you have a little patience, looking back on where we’ve been
Never pushing you to change, I’ll still be waiting in the wings
For a light to shine again, for a light to shine again
With imperfections beautiful
These tears don’t make you weak
Why waste your time on turning heads?
When you never have to leave
So please don’t leave
Don’t leave
I Fall Down
Square one, starting in the aftermath
I’ve been struggling to find answers or a different path
Coming to the surface, can I recreate?
A time before these memories always kept me awake
My life still stands on its own legs
With each regret I keep trying to fight
We can’t just be two souls convalescing
Losing it all to the night
Now I can’t even see a thing at all
But every time I close my eyes, I fall down
I fall down
Last chance, endings aren’t what we desire
I’ve been looking for a reason or an honest liar
Someone who can try and make this disappear
Maybe help me understand what we’ve been doing here
My heart, it beats at a new pace
Like it’s fluttering to take off in flight
We can’t just be two stars intersecting
Blowing out fast in the night
Now I can’t even see a thing at all
But every time I close my eyes, I fall down
I fall down
Searching in the past, can’t stare too long
I could look into the future but it all seems wrong
While hoping this relents, though it’s far too late
Always counting down the hours when there’s no escape
Now there’s no escape at all
Every time I close my eyes
Every time I close my eyes, I fall down
I fall down
Now I can’t even see a thing at all
But every time I close my eyes, I fall down
I fall down
I fall down
I fall down
Backwards First
My biggest fear in life is not the end
It’s becoming an amnesiac
I’m looking at the past to comprehend
Maybe finding hope in little facts
Writing endless notes that I post on the walls
Reminds me of the days, it’s a haze in the fall
Always looking back there when it won’t make sense at all
I’ve been heading backwards first
With every story unrehearsed
Submerged in thoughts that we can’t leave behind
Pushing harder to confess
I’ve gotta let it off my chest
Before this weight lies heavy on my mind
Reliving all the better times gone past
We can’t act like it’s an accident
Worshipped every moment like a mass
While no matter how inaccurate
Taking every thought, tied in knots as they leave
Reminds me of the sights and the life that we grieve
Now I’m looking back there in an effort to proceed
I’ve been heading backwards first
With every story unrehearsed
Submerged in thoughts that we can’t leave behind
Pushing harder to confess
I’ve gotta let it off my chest
Before this weight lies heavy on my mind
But what’s to find? Now what’s to fear?
Can you tell me what the hell we’re doing here?
If the past re-gifts the present
And the future’s not so pleasant
What can we do?
I’ve been heading backwards first
With every story unrehearsed
Submerged in thoughts that we can’t leave behind
Pushing harder to confess
I’ve gotta let it off my chest
Before this weight lies heavy on my mind
Before this weight lies heavy on my mind
I know the future’s yet to be defined
Waiting For An Answer
Strength in numbers, blunders yet to fail
Subtraction’s only counting down until we can’t prevail
Holding on, we’re longing to believe
But now my heart it bleeds, now my heart concedes
Looking in the same old places
Wasting time with our disgraces
Let’s pick up the pace before we leave
Can we grieve? Can we grieve?
Can we spare a little moment on our knees?
On the breeze, as we turn around to watch the autumn leaves
We’ll freeze, coming back beyond our apathy
It always keeps us waiting for an answer to receive
Strength in weakness, bleakness comes too fast
These colours aren’t as vibrant if our memories never last
Searching for a thought that we can seize
When everybody bleeds, everybody leaves
Looking through these washed up faces
Killing time to win some races
Praying for the patience to proceed
Can we grieve? Can we grieve?
Can we spare a little moment on our knees?
On the breeze, as we turn around to watch the autumn leaves
We’ll freeze, coming back beyond our apathy
It always keeps us waiting for an answer to receive
Come on, come on, please come around
Come on, come on, now come back down
To me, to me, to me
We’ll spin and spin as daylight turns
Beneath the sun before it burns
You’ll see, you’ll see, you’ll see
Can we grieve? Can we grieve?
Can we spare a little moment on our knees?
On the breeze, as we turn around to watch the autumn leaves
We’ll freeze, coming back beyond our apathy
It always keeps us waiting for an answer…
Can we grieve? Can we grieve?
Can we spare a little moment on our knees?
On the breeze, as we turn around to watch the autumn leaves
We’ll freeze, coming back beyond our apathy
It always keeps us waiting for an answer to receive
Waiting for an answer to receive
Waiting for an answer to receive
Coming Around
There’s nothing you can say
That means too much to me
What people think they know
They rarely ever see
But please don’t be confused
By what I might decide
These choices are my own
It isn’t foolish pride
Or is it foolish pride?
I have my two feet firmly planted on the ground
I’ve got both ears plugged so I can’t hear any sound
Some think I’m lonely, but slowly I’m coming around again
I’m coming around again
As past mistakes remain
To fill in all the blanks
Emotions we can’t figure out
Before they fade away
In trying to Discern
Exactly how we feel
We’ve gathered all this distance
Expecting wounds to heal
When will they ever heal?
I have my two feet firmly planted on the ground
I’ve got both ears plugged so I can’t hear any sound
Some think I’m lonely, but slowly I’m coming around again
I’m coming around again
I don’t know how it starts
I’m not sure where it ends
But now the hardest part
Is trying to understand
We don’t know how it starts
We’re not sure where it ends
But now the hardest part
Is knowing there’s a plan
I have my two feet firmly planted on the ground
I’ve got both ears plugged so I can’t hear any sound
Some think I’m lonely, but slowly I’m coming around again
I’m coming around
I have my two feet firmly planted on the ground
I’ve got both ears plugged so I can’t hear any sound
Some think I’m lonely, but slowly I’m coming around again
I’m coming around again
I’m coming around again
I’m coming around again
Days Of Sleep
I was waiting for a fix
But then I found a trick and fought to stay awake
For the last few months I’d been let down
So I stuck around to see the daylight break
You don’t know how it feels
Before your heart begins to ache
It’s something of a mystery
How this misery can all take shape
Well I heard the sirens call
Until I walked these halls to find the sun’s embrace
From the morning glow that I took in
Now upon my skin, the heat still radiates
How can they comprehend it
When I don’t know what to say?
It’s nothing but some misery
If this mystery still permeates
Shots of morphine, days of sleep
That’s how I thought this life should be
In sorting out what hurt before
I’ve made myself an open door
Past addictions, new withdrawals
From what we took to climb the walls
Dependant love until it’s gone
Expecting us to move along
I know I’ll slip, but if I’m lost
Beneath these waves that flood my thoughts
I’ll never waste my life away
To substitute what can’t be changed
I’ll come back out, I’ll come back out
I’m not sleeping now
Shots of morphine, days of sleep
That’s how I thought this life should be
In sorting out what hurt before
I’ve made myself an open door
Past addictions, new withdrawals
From what we took to climb the walls
Dependant love until it’s gone
Expecting us to move along
But we’ll be strong
We’ll be strong
Take Care
Found a war to engage in and lost
Waved our flags without knowing the cost
As they line up the streets of our hard fought defeat
All repeating the sign of the cross
Dug a hole that can never be filled
Sure as the sun sets over the hill
Slowly gathered around without laughter or sound
We watch as this moment’s fulfilled
We watch as a life’s been fulfilled
Makes me question these theories I’ve had
How could something so good end up feeling so bad?
Now the words left behind linger fresh on my mind
Take care, take care, take care
Is anybody there?
I’ve got a little advice left to give
Maybe a meaningful life left to live
We all struggle for air and pretend we’re prepared
When you know, still you know
Well your heart’s gonna ache
And your heart’s gonna break
But the hardest part comes
When you know its too late
As the days turn to weeks
And the months turn to years
Then you can’t help but wonder
When that person was here
With the rear view, a clear view
And a path that will steer you
From the love that you’ve gained
Comes the pain that you’ll veer through
In the hours you wake up
To the moments you sleep
You’ll know it’s been worth it
By the memories you keep
N
ow those final words spoken
Linger fresh on my mind
Take care, take care
And I’ll see you in time
Take care, take care
And I’ll see you in time
Take care, take care
It comes all in good time