Storyteller Sunday is a sporadic post that details the creation of specific lyrics I’ve written over the years.
Using raw emotion to inspire lyrics, sometimes it takes awhile to sculpt them into a final form.
Such is the case with Feral, one of 12 pieces included on Diurnal. It all started when I hit rock bottom emotionally around Christmas last year. Before the pandemic, I’d hosted an annual Christmas/birthday party until 2020 broke the streak (it would’ve been the 20th year in a row no less!)
Anyway, everything looked to be going according to plan for throwing the bash in 2021. At the last second however, my nephew tested positive for Covid-19. While we hadn’t come in contact with him directly, he had visited my mom and so had we a few days later. Having my wife’s family getting together on Christmas day (including her brother, his wife and their one-year-old coming from Toronto,) we decided to air on the side of caution and cancelled my party about a day before. I was super bummed about it, especially when my friends all got together at someone else’s house instead. I didn’t expect them to cancel everything just because of us but it really hurt since the annual party had been my thing for so long.
Following this, I tried convincing my mom to get tested for Covid-19. When she refused, I got upset with her and we went radio silent with one another afterwards. To cap it all off, after my wife’s dad heard about my nephew testing positive and our indirect contact, he wouldn’t let us go over for Christmas anyway. So all of the sacrifices we’d made served no real purpose other than isolating us from everyone. It really made me feel like we were the only ones who took the situation seriously and got punished for it.
Needless to say, that really fucking sucked. (Pardon my french.)
For the days that followed, I was emotionally spent. Christmas was my dad’s favourite holiday when he was with us so last year’s disaster hit me really hard. After reflecting on things and shedding some tears alone, I sorted things out with my mom at least and we went over there for Christmas dinner. Even so,, the scars are still a bit fresh: I’m not really sure what my plans are this year. I just got burnt so bad in 2021 that I’m reflexively hesitant to put myself in a situation where it could happen again.
It all led me to write a rough version of Feral in the middle of my holiday depression. Inspired by the verse melody of Winter Song (opens in new tab) by Ingrid Michaelson and Sara Bareilles, I poured my feelings into words and posted them here. As you can read for yourself, the anger, depression and bitterness really come through in the chorus specifically.
I further developed this rough draft in the months that followed. Independent of that version, I came up with the new bridge before realizing it might work for Feral specifically. Going back and forth between both sections, the latter eventually won out.
From there, different experiences in early 2022 provided extra fodder to flesh things out a bit more. This is what allowed me to expand my final bridge ideas. Still, the process happened through slow and minor evolution along the way.
Versions that are dated instead of numbered started from when I thought I’d finished the lyrics. My friend Carol then came in with a fresh pair of eyes (sometimes a blind person needs those after all) and any additional changes were made as a result of her feedback.
Below, I’ve included every iteration of Feral so you can see how the final product came from chipping away at it.
Lyrics Contents
02. Feral (v. 1)
04. Feral (v. 3)
05. Feral (02-24-22)
06. Feral (03-08-22)
07. Feral (03-10-22)
08. Feral (03-15-22)
09. Feral (03-19-22 – final version)
Feral (rough sketch)
Everyone turns feral in time
I’m fraying at the edges
Nothing’s ever simple in our minds
Apart from consequences
Trying to remember a place
But now I feel so anxious
Struggling with the fact we can’t relate
Our arguments seem endless
We’re horrible people, we live horrible lives
We say horrible things and then we all have to die
Everyone I know goes away
We’re always second guessing
Running to the places we can’t stay
As if we’ll find redemption
Carving out our thoughts to make sense
Outside the wind keeps blowing
No one else around would keep it in
Forgotten lines aren’t holding
We’re horrible people, we live horrible lives
We say horrible things and then we all have to die
But no one’s asking why
No one’s asking why
We keep losing ourselves until we all lose our way
Searching hard for the truth but we all make mistakes
We keep losing ourselves until we can’t get away
Searching hard for the truth when we’ll never escape
We keep losing ourselves but we can’t find a way
Searching hard for the truth, still there’s nothing to say
We keep losing ourselves but we all make mistakes
Searching hard for the truth when it all fades away
We’re horrible people, we live horrible lives
We say horrible things until we all have to die
Feral (v. 1)
Everyone turns feral in time
I’m fraying at the edges
Nothing’s ever simple in our minds
Apart from consequences
Trying to remember a place
But now I feel so anxious
Struggling with the fact we can’t relate
Our arguments seem endless
We’re horrible people, we live horrible lives
We say horrible things and then we all have to die
Everyone I know goes away
We’re always second guessing
Running to the places we can’t stay
As if we’ll find redemption
Carving out our thoughts to make sense
Outside the wind keeps blowing
No one else around would keep it in
Forgotten lines aren’t holding
We’re horrible people, we live horrible lives
We say horrible things and then we all have to die
But no one’s asking why
No one’s asking why
We keep losing ourselves until we all lose our way
Searching hard for the truth but we all make mistakes
We keep losing ourselves until we can’t get away
Searching hard for the truth when we’ll never escape
We keep losing ourselves but we can’t find a way
Searching hard for the truth, still there’s nothing to say
We keep losing ourselves but we all make mistakes
Searching hard for the truth when it all fades away
We’re horrible people, we live horrible lives
We say horrible things until we all have to die
Feral (v. 2 – unfinished)
Everyone turns feral in time
I’m fraying at the edges
Nothing’s ever simple in our minds
Apart from consequences
Trying to remember a place
But now I feel so anxious
Struggling with the fact we can’t relate
Our arguments seem endless
We’re all broken people in these miserable times
Trying hard to escape when we still have to die
Everyone I know goes away
There’s so much second guessing
Running to the places we can’t stay
As if we’ll find redemption
Carving out our thoughts to make sense
Outside the wind keeps blowing
No one else around would keep it in
Forgotten lines aren’t holding
We’re all broken people in these miserable times
Trying hard to escape when we still have to die
But no one’s asking why
No one’s asking why
Black, white, shades of grey
With folded hands we start to pray
Black, white, shades of grey
Nothing’s learnt if we all stay
Black, white, shades of grey
???
Black, white, shades of grey
???
We’re all broken people in these miserable times
Trying hard to escape when we still have to die
Feral (v. 3)
Everyone turns feral in time
I’m fraying at the edges
Nothing’s ever simple in our minds
Apart from consequences
Trying to remember a place
But now I feel so anxious
Struggling with the fact we can’t relate
Our arguments seem endless
We’re all broken people in these miserable times
Trying hard to get out when we still have to die
Everyone I know goes away
Obsessed with second guessing
Running to the places we can’t stay
As if we’ll find redemption
Carving out our thoughts to make sense
Outside the wind keeps blowing
No one else around would keep it in
Forgotten lines aren’t holding
We’re all broken people in these miserable times
Trying hard to get out when we still have to die
But no one’s asking why
No one’s asking why
We keep losing ourselves until we all lose our way
Searching hard for the truth but we all make mistakes
We keep losing ourselves until we can’t get away
Searching hard for the truth when we’ll never escape
We keep losing ourselves but we can’t find a way
Searching hard for the truth until there’s nothing to say
We keep losing ourselves but we all make mistakes
Searching hard for the truth when every word fades away
We’re all broken people in these miserable times
Trying hard to get out when we still have to die
Feral (02-24-22)
Everyone turns feral in time
I’m fraying at the edges
Nothing’s ever simple in our minds
Apart from consequences
Desperate to remember your face
But now I feel so anxious
Struggling with the fact we can’t relate
Our arguments seem endless
We’re broken down people in these miserable times
Trying hard to remain as our empathy dies
Everyone I know goes away
Obsessed with second guessing
Running to the places we can’t stay
As if we’ll find redemption
Carving out our thoughts to make sense
Outside the wind is blowing
No one else around would let it in
Forgotten lines keep folding
We’re broken down people in these miserable times
Trying hard to remain as our empathy dies
But no one questions why
No one questions why
Black, white, shades of grey
Moonlight falls to chase the day
Black, white, shades of grey
Righteous thoughts can turn profane
Black, white, shades of grey
Memories form and then decay
Black, white, shades of grey
Silent fears can’t stay contained
We’re broken down people in these miserable times
Trying hard to remain as our empathy dies
Feral (03-08-22)
Everyone turns feral in time
I’m fraying at the edges
Nothing’s ever simple in our minds
Apart from consequences
Desperate to remember your face
But now I feel so anxious
Struggling with the fact we can’t relate
Our arguments seem endless
We’re broken down people in these miserable times
Clawing up from the dirt as our empathy dies
Everyone I know goes away
Obsessed with second guessing
Running to the places we can’t stay
As if we’ll find redemption
Carving out our thoughts to make sense
Outside the wind is blowing
No one else around would let it in
Forgotten lines keep folding
We’re broken down people in these miserable times
Left to choke in the dirt as our empathy dies
But no one questions why
No one questions why
Black, white, shades of grey
Moonlight falls to chase the day
Black, white, shades of grey
Righteous thoughts turn so profane
Black, white, shades of grey
Memories form and then decay
Black, white, shades of grey
Silent fears can’t stay contained
We’re broken down people in these miserable times
So we claw at the dirt as our empathy dies
Feral (03-10-22)
Everyone turns feral in time
I’m fraying at the edges
Nothing’s ever simple in our minds
Apart from consequences
Desperate to remember your face
But now I’m getting anxious
Struggling with the fact we can’t relate
Our arguments seem endless
We’re broken down people in these miserable times
So we claw at the dirt as our empathy dies
Everyone I know goes away
Obsessed with second guessing
Running to the places we can’t stay
As if we’ll find redemption
Carving out our thoughts to make sense
Outside the wind is blowing
No one else around would let it in
Forgotten lines keep folding
We’re broken down people in these miserable times
So we claw at the dirt as our empathy dies
But no one questions why
No one questions why
Black, white, shades of grey
Moonlight falls to chase the day
Black, white, shades of grey
Righteous thoughts come out profane
Black, white, shades of grey
Memories form and then decay
Black, white, shades of grey
Silent fears can’t stay contained
We’re broken down people in these miserable times
So we claw at the dirt as our empathy dies
Feral (03-15-22)
Everyone turns feral in time
I’m fraying at the edges
Nothing’s ever simple in our minds
Apart from consequences
Desperate to remember your face
But now I’m getting anxious
Struggling with the fact we can’t relate
Our arguments seem endless
We’re broken down people in these miserable times
So we claw at the dirt as our empathy dies
Everyone I know goes away
Obsessed with second guessing
Running to the places we can’t stay
As if we’ll find redemption
Carving out our thoughts to make sense
Outside the wind is blowing
No one else around would let it in
Forgotten lines keep folding
We’re broken down people in these miserable times
So we claw at the dirt as our empathy dies
But no one questions why
No one questions why
Black, white, shades of grey
Moonlight falls to chase the day
Black, white, shades of grey
Righteous thoughts become profane
Black, white, shades of grey
Memories form and then decay
Black, white, shades of grey
Silent fears can’t stay contained
We’re broken down people in these miserable times
So we claw at the dirt as our empathy dies
Feral (03-19-22 – final version)
Everyone turns feral in time
I’m fraying at the edges
Nothing’s ever simple in our minds
Apart from consequences
Desperate to remember your face
But now I feel so anxious
Struggling with the fact we can’t relate
Our arguments seem endless
We’re broken down people in these miserable times
So we claw at the dirt as our empathy dies
Everyone I know goes away
Obsessed with second guessing
Running to the places we can’t stay
As if we’ll find redemption
Carving out our thoughts to make sense
Outside the wind is blowing
No one else around would let it in
Forgotten lines keep folding
We’re broken down people in these miserable times
So we claw at the dirt as our empathy dies
But no one questions why
No one questions why
Black, white, shades of grey
Moonlight falls to chase the day
Black, white, shades of grey
Righteous thoughts become profane
Black, white, shades of grey
Memories form and then decay
Black, white, shades of grey
Silent fears can’t stay contained
We’re broken down people in these miserable times
So we claw at the dirt as our empathy dies